Ok so last time I wrote I
was super depressed and in a really bad place. I am excited to tell you that
place no longer exists! I have said goodbye and good riddance. We figured out
purely by trial and error that it had nothing to do with my hormones. I had
been taking Ambien for some time to help me sleep at night and because of Jesse’s
growing concern for “all the pills” I was taking, I decided to try just
sleeping without it. Almost overnight I felt better. What added to it, Jesse
and I have finally said, (blank) is when we are going to start trying to have
babies.” There was a lot of going back and forth, some yelling, lots of crying
and sobbing, and we finally decided on Christmas! I only have to wait like less
than 4 months!!! We had been talking about getting a hunting dog since before
everything went south (rather quickly I might add) last year, but I had always
felt like it wasn’t fair for him to get a puppy. If we can’t have a baby, we
shouldn’t have a puppy either! Since we actually set like a date that we both
felt good about and agreed on, I felt like a puppy wouldn’t be so bad and might
be good for both of us. There was an ad in the Okoboji classifieds for springer
spaniel puppies for $150. When he first came to me with the idea, before we had
agreed on Christmas, we had both agreed we should wait till spring. Because I
was so happy about having a date, a goal to reach towards, I thought it would
be fun to surprise him and get the puppy. When we had looked again the next
week, the price had gone from $150 to $75 because their dew claws weren’t
removed and their tails weren’t docked. I called the lady on my way to work Monday,
knowing that we would be in Terrill on Thursday to have lunch with Anna and
Ryan. On Tuesday night I caught Jesse looking up information on Springer
Spaniels at work and on Wednesday he came home from work going on and on about
them and how we should at least go look even if we didn’t decide to buy one. He
raved on and on until I finally couldn’t take it anymore! He asked me if I was
ok because I seemed grumpy and I grabbed him by the shoulders and said, “You
ruined my surprise!” I told him my plans and he very abashedly told me that I
could have still surprised him. On the drive there on Thursday he gives me this
whole big speech about how I shouldn’t get my hopes up because we probably won’t
get a puppy. That lasted all of 5 minutes. Once he saw the happy, friendly,
well-behaved dad, he was sold. We picked her out and told them we’d come back
after to pick her up. Jesse got his hunting dog and I got my baby fix. It has
been a night and day difference. I feel so much better inside and out! I had
gotten pretty close to my target weight and I’m kind of on my way back up
again, but I just feel so much better. What also helped, I had asked my home
teacher for a blessing before school started. It didn’t work out for him to
give one to me, but it did work out for someone else to. I prayed for a couple
weeks about the things I had really been struggling with and the things I most
needed comfort about. I was worried about passing my classes and getting my
homework done, making friends, and of course being patient for the baby thing.
I took my tape recorder with me and I wrote down the words. I read them from
time to time. They weren’t exactly word for word what I was hoping for, but I
felt so much more at peace.
School has started and the girls I sit next to are really nice. It’s harder for me to pay attention because I learned it once already and it’s a class in the middle of the day, but I love being there. We have 5 big homework assignments this semester and I am almost done with the 3rd. My plan is to have them all done by the time I am full time in October. I know I can do this.
I’ve been able to spend time with people from church and
we started hanging out with another couple that doesn’t have to get completely
plastered to have a good time. I’m hopeful that things will work out. I’ve been
working a lot of Sundays lately but the next few months will be much better. I
love my job. I love the people I work with and what I do. It’s a drive, but the
time goes by pretty fast. My boss is totally awesome! She’s very sweet and
understanding and she is very willing to work around everyone’s schedule. It’s
all about doing everything we can to make the patients comfortable and
relatively happy. I feel even better than when I was in the nursing home
because I have the time to devote to the individual patients. I get to cook and
bake and make ice cream. We are full right now and it’s a little crazy at
times, but I love what I do and the people I take care of. They say it’s always
darkest just before the dawn and it’s totally true.
Jesse and I as a couple are doing really well too. We are
still trying to put our lives back together from shut down and it’s been harder
lately because we only have like 1 day off a week together, but we are doing
the best we can. He’s getting ready to go on a bear trip and I know I’ll miss
him, but I know I’ll be ok. I have a pretty good support system right now. I
was super excited because we had it all worked out that Trisha and David and
the kids were gonna meet me at my mom’s while Jesse was gone, but then someone
else had requested it off and now I have to work that weekend. Funny how everything
works out the way it’s supposed to! That Friday was picture day at Logan’s
school and it was the Primary program on Sunday. I won’t have to be quite as
stressed about money and neither will anyone else. Nothing is set in stone yet,
but we are working on meeting up in October instead and Jesse will be able to
be there too. Plus, I get to go to Wisconsin with him this weekend and spend
some time with family and see him off, then go down and see my mom. I’m really
looking forward to it! This week is going to go by really fast! I work today, I
have school Tuesday and then after I am meeting up with one of the girls from
my like second family from church and we are going to the gun range! Should be
really fun! Then Wednesday we are getting our cable reconnected so we don’t
miss anymore football!! I love this time of year! Football is absolutely my
favorite! Love to play, love to watch, love, love, love! We are also taking our
Rachel to the vet to get her dew claws removed. Holly has dew claws in the
front and they don’t bother her, but out in the field they can get caught and
tear out and we don’t want that! Also the missionaries are coming over. I’m
making baked chicken with this KFC recipe I found and loaded mashed potatoes
with bacon and ranch and cheese. Thursday and Friday I am going to get
everything ready for out of town and I’m going to go to the learning center to
get help with my papers. I need the most help getting them started and figuring
out what they are supposed to look like. Dawn is going to let me look at (not
to copy) previous papers from last year so I can see how their papers looked,
how they did their headings, and how they answered the questions in APA format.
I don’t want to use the same words or anything I just need guidance to see what
it’s supposed to look like. I fretted over that so badly last year that I never
started them and hence never finished. It was a big part of why I had to flunk
out. I will not do that again. I will finish. I know I am capable. I know I can
do it. I just need to buck up and follow through. That’s all that’s going on
really. Night and day difference from the last time I wrote and it feels so
good to just be happy! Thanks for reading!
