Mixed Feelings

Anyone who knows anything about Jesse or me knows that 2014 was a crazy year for us. We found out we were pregnant and due September 6th, I finally graduated with my RN and passed my boards, Jesse finished school, we had a baby and moved right after, Jesse started a new job, we sold our house in Sheldon and bought an acreage in Marshalltown. Craziness. Like all the life changes that people go through over the years, we did in one year. Jesse had started applying for jobs in March and we had hoped to move after I graduated in May. He applied for several different positions but nothing had panned out. When June rolled around we decided to put it on hold until the spring and just focus our efforts on fixing up our house and having a baby. At the end of July, he got a phone call from DuPont in Nevada wanting to set up an interview. He wasn’t super excited about the idea of changing jobs so close to my due date but I told him that it could be an amazing opportunity for us and a chance for us to move closer to family. Even after he interview, things we still kind of up in the air. We didn’t know what the pay or the benefits would be like and they wanted to hire him as an operator and, at the time, that was a step back for him. By the time he heard back at the end of August, we barely had enough time to give a 2 weeks notice. They wanted him to start September 15^thand they would pay him more than what he was making with AGP. He accepted the position and the next couple weeks flew by. My due date came and went and I was induced Tuesday the 9^th. I had Evelyn at 10:20 on Wednesday the 10^th, she was life-flighted to the NICU in Sioux Falls, SD, we spent 5 days with her there, came home Sunday and moved Monday. Jesse left for his first day of work at like 4 AM that morning and I was on my own packing up the few things we would need for the next week or so, the dogs, the baby, the kennels, and the bedside dresser with our gun safe. What would normally be a 4-4.5 hour drive ended up being closer to 6 or 7 hours by the time we stopped to eat and let the dogs out to go potty and I almost ran out of gas. Then once we got there, all the cooking, cleaning, nighttime feedings and diaper changes, unpacking and organizing all fell on me because Jesse had just started a new job. The bedroom had enough room but it was a lot like living in a one-bedroom apartment with no furniture. As if on cue, every time I tried to start dinner, Evelyn would decide it was time for her to eat too and Jesse would come home from a long day frustrated that dinner wasn’t ready. We’ve never really been able to have a routine with his schedule and mine and adding a baby to that mix was a hot mess. Plus, I couldn’t take my ADHD meds, I left the house a lot to go visit family and friends (since they couldn’t really come visit me), and I just had a hard time getting into the swing of things.

At the beginning of my pregnancy with Ian, I was most looking forward to things being different this time around. We would have our own space, he wouldn’t be just starting a new job so we would have time at home together, our families and friends would be able to come visit us in the hospital since we wouldn’t be so far away. In hindsight, I shouldn’t have counted my chickens before they hatched.

Jesse has been actively looking for a new job for about a year now and they’ve either turned him down or not been able to pay him enough o make it worth leaving DuPont. He’s applied for a promotion 3 times and DuPont has turned him down. The plant is 2 years behind production and about double over their budget. They have until the end of the year to prove that they are capable of producing ethanol or the plant will shut down. There’s a lot of political drama and favoritism type things happening to the point that he hates his job. The schedule has been pretty hard on us too, especially lately. As much as Jesse never cared for having company over before, it’s even worse now. His time off is so precious to him and he’s either stressed about trying to complete projects at home or stressed about spending quality time with Evelyn while she’s still an only child. With living close to the friends he grew up with and his family, he’s not at all interested in making new friends, especially not with anyone from church. That was the one thing that was nice about when we were in Sheldon – at least we had the Keiths that both of us could be friends with. We have a couple friends that are couples that we are both friends with but they don’t really live close enough for us to hang out with them regularly and, because of his schedule, it’s hard for us to make time to see them.

I want him to be happy. I want him to have a job that he likes where he feels appreciated and valued and we haven’t been able to find anything. I’ve been praying that he would be able to find something, but after this last job interview didn’t work out, I wondered if I had been praying for the wrong thing. I wondered if this is a learning experience for him to be able to be patient with people he doesn’t like or if there was something else out there that we just needed to wait for it to come to us. I changed my prayer that I would be able to know what to pray for. Not long after, he told me he was thinking about changing careers – looking for a position in safety instead of in operations. I felt really good about this. I felt like that could be my answer. He started looking for positions but he hasn’t found any postings or the ones that are posted require a bachelor’s degree.

Last week out of the blue, he got an email from a company called ICM wanting to know if he was interested in one of the positions they had open. They have the technology that DuPont is trying to patent. They develop ethanol and several other types of processing plants, get them up and running and then sell the technology. Jesse is really excited about the opportunity but his only concern is the location. Their pilot plant that they have the openings at is in St. Joseph, Missouri. It’s 3.5 hours away.

I have such mixed feelings about this. This could be a really great opportunity for us! The church is stronger there, the closest temple is only an hour away (versus the 3 hours it is now), we would both have to start over which means we might have a better chance of making mutual friends together, and he’d have more opportunities to grow within this company, the benefits are way better (which means we would have less health care costs), and their plant is already up and running so he wouldn’t have the stress of potentially losing his job. On the same hand, we JUST moved back closer to family, I have a job I LOVE, I’m making friends, Evie loves her daycare, I’m finally comfortable in my own skin, and I really do not want to move right before or right after having a baby AGAIN, and trying to manage two kids (including a brand new baby) plus all the moving/unpacking/organizing by myself. I’ve been praying that if this is the right thing for us that things will fall into place and that I will be able to be at peace either way. I just feel so unsettled! I know that everything will work out the way it’s supposed to but I just can’t seem to settle my thoughts.

Update

So it’s been a while since I’ve updated my blog and so much has happened! Here is an excerpt that I wrote to our baby after she was born telling her about my pregnancy and her birth:
My pregnancy was fairly mild. I didn’t get morning sickness until I was about 7 weeks along. I had to stop taking my ADHD medication because I couldn’t keep it down. Your dad was very supportive and went with me to most appointments but I was having a hard time with school so I made a last minute appointment to get something for nausea while your dad was home sleeping. I heard your heart beat for the first time that day Wednesday February 5th. It was 170 beats per minute and I knew then you were a girl. I always said I wanted to have a boy first and your dad wanted a boy too. He even bought me a stuffed animal flower that said It’s a Boy for Valentine’s Day! I felt like time stood still waiting for the ultrasound but it was worth the wait. When we saw your little face on that screen and found out that you were healthy and on track I was so happy I wept. The morning sickness was the worst on the weekends and mostly subsided after about 16 weeks. Around 18 weeks or so my back started hurting. I was in school and sat most of the day. I’d have to get up and walk around a lot and after school I would just lay flat for a while and that seemed to help some.We always knew we didn’t want to live in Sheldon forever and your dad started looking for other jobs in March but nothing panned out. I graduated in May and passed my boards in July. Towards the end of that month, my best and only friend Vicki decided to move out of the state. She was the only person we trusted to watch you overnight once I went back to work and I was worried about what we would do if she moved. The very next day your dad got a call for an interview at DuPont in Nevada. It was perfect and we were cautiously elated. We would finally be closer to our family! Your dad was especially worried that the job wouldn’t pay enough to make it worth it for us to move and he was concerned about us moving so close to your arrival time. He went through with the interview process and on August 28th we found out we were moving. They wanted him to start September 15 – barely enough time to give a two-week notice. He was concerned about leaving on a good note and being able to qualify to get his PTO paid out. We had an appointment with Dr. Zoelle to induce Monday the 8th but AGP called and asked him to cover and offered to give him Wednesday off instead. We asked Zoelle if we could induce Wednesday instead but she was going to be out of town after noon so we made the appointment for Tuesday morning instead. Your dad worked a 12-hour shift the night before but he came and was right there by my side through everything. They gave me the first dose of cytotec at 8 am and I started contracting but not very consistently or strongly. They gave the second dose at noon and then the contractions got stronger and more consistent. Your dad walked with me, held my hand, massaged my back, snuggled with me and did everything he could to support me and help ease the pain. We napped here and there through the day and at around 4 pm they broke my water. It was the nastiest feeling I’d ever had! It was like peeing my pants and then sitting having to sit in it. I sat in the tub for a bit but I didn’t want my contractions to stop and it started to get too hot so I got out and walked. Later, your dad went to the house to shower and check on the dogs and since he wasn’t there to help me through the pain I decided to sit in the tub again. When they checked me at around 8, I hadn’t progressed much more and my contractions were becoming less consistent so they decided to insert a pressure catheter to measure the strength of my contractions. They weren’t effective enough and they had to give me Pitocin (a drug to make the contractions stronger). Your dad was right there by my side helping me through the pain and reminding me to breathe. I made it to a 6 before I finally begged for an epidural. The pain was so bad I could hardly breathe and there was nothing we could do to make it better. I was given an epidural at around 4 am and it helped for a while but then it started to wear off. At around 6 they gave me Lidocaine and it helped for a while but then that started to wear off too. I made it to a 10 but I wasn’t feeling the urge to push so they just kept letting me have contractions. You had been a champ this whole time, tolerating the contractions so well but then you started having variable decelerations. Your heartbeat would drop with contractions but then it would bounce right back up so they weren’t too concerned. Finally they let me try pushing at about 1030 and you were born at 1042. Your eyes were open but you were a bluish purple color and you didn’t cry. They took you to the warmer next to the bed to dry you off and I wasn’t too worried until I saw they were doing CPR. Then all of a sudden there were 20 people in the room and we didn’t know what was going on and we were scared. They put in an intubation tube to help you breathe and
an OG tube to pull fluid off your abdomen. The umbilical cord was wrapped around your chest and your lung collapsed. When they finally got the ET tube in place you started chewing/sucking on it so they took it out. The fluid they took off helped your lung re-inflate and you started breathing and coming around. You were trying to suck on anything you could get your little mouth on. Because you had such a rough start, they had to transfer you to the NICU in Sioux Falls so I wasn’t allowed to breast feed you. Your dad and I were so scared while all of this was going on and I was sobbing like a lunatic. Your dad kept trying to calm me down but when I heard they were going to life flight you I was scared they would take you away before I’d even get to hold and kiss you. Luckily, they were sympathetic to my plight and I got to hold you once you were stabilized. Your dad got to be right by the warmer watching over you and you latched onto his finger and wouldn’t let go. I was so happy when they put you in my arms and gave you lots of kisses but then the flight crew got there and I had to give you back to them so they could take your vitals and check you over. They let me hold you again before they left and your dad and I were so worried about you. We felt so empty and discouraged after you left and I made it my mission to get discharged as soon as possible so we could be with you. Grandma Jan and Grandpa Larry took Vicki up to be with you in the meantime so you wouldn’t be alone. We cried together once everyone had left. It was so hard on us seeing them bond with you before we could but we were glad you weren’t alone. I got discharged that night at 9, we ran home quick to grab clothes and stuff and we rushed up to Sioux Falls as fast as we could. 

Those first few months were awful. We were living in the loft of my grandma’s house so I couldn’t really have visitors – there wasn’t really room for them or a place for them to sit and it wasn’t my house to invite them to. Jesse was working so everything fell on my shoulders – all the feeding and day to day care and getting up in the middle of the night, cooking, cleaning – all me. And we didn’t exactly have our own space and grandma was a bit of a hoarder so that made what was hard even harder. We did a lot of visiting because I hated being stuck in the house all day with nothing much to do and limited space. We bought an acreage in November but it was March before we were able to move in and it needed a lot of work even after that. We lost a whole box of kitchen stuff in the move including silverware and pots and pans and it took months before Jesse would let me replace them because he was certain we’d find them eventually. Going to church was pretty rough for a while too. I didn’t know anyone and I couldn’t have company over to get to know people and I didn’t have help or anyone to sit with. There were no speakers in the Mother’s Lounge so I hated having to leave to breastfeed or change diapers. Moving was supposed to be this great thing and it was hard and lonely for a long time. Thank goodness my mom was pretty close and we’d go to visit her pretty frequently. Plus Evelyn has been able to play with Arika and Hunter pretty often. It was a rough start but we made it. Jesse’s job has been a headache from the get-go. They started out working Monday through Friday 730-4 so he would leave at around 6/630 and get home around 5. Then they changed his scheduled to a rotating schedule similar to what he worked at AGP, but they didn’t have to work nights. It was just 6a-6p. Then they started working nights 6-6. It wasn’t so bad at first. Then they went to this awful rotating schedule. He works 4 nights, 3 off, 3 days, 1 off, 3 nights, 3 off, 4 days, and 1 week off. A week off sounds great, right? Except that they basically work 3 weeks straight before that week and any time there is any kind of training they have to come in on their week off for it. He’s applied for a team lead 3 times now and has been turned down each time for various reasons. The first time, the other guy had seniority, the 2nd they completely brought in someone from the outside with no prior experience (turned out his wife and the boss’s wife were good friends) and the 3rd time the other person was just more well liked by the other supervisors. That has been really hard on him. He works so hard, he never calls in, he’s always there on time, comes in to help on his days off, and he knows more about the plant and how it should run than probably anyone else there and they just walk all over him but he hasn’t been able to find anything else.

I worked at the hospital in Marshalltown for about a month around the time that Evelyn was about 6 months old, but I hated it. I worked all day when Jesse could be home with Evelyn so then he was super frustrated because he couldn’t do any work on the house. I hated being away from Evelyn all day and I did not like the environment. I didn’t like the way they do things, I didn’t like their charting system, and I didn’t like the way they communicated (or rather didn’t communicate) with each other. After about a month, I went to my boss and told him all of my concerns and told him I didn’t know if it was the right time for me to be going back to work…Anyway, we mutually decided that I didn’t belong there and he said he wouldn’t flag me as a do not re-hire but I don’t think that’s the case. Not very long after I got hired at Grandview Heights and I really really liked it. I liked the people; I liked what I was doing. And after Jesse’s schedule changed I switched to PRN. It was awesome. Then they got a new schedule person and it wasn’t quite so awesome anymore. I got a job at the women’s prison in Mitchellville, but I wasn’t there very long either. That was definitely not for me. Then I got a job as an occupational health nurse at the Power Plant in Marshalltown and I loved it. I made great money. I liked the people I met. The hours were pretty great at first and even when there was drama I was happy to be there doing what I was doing. Then I started having to fight for hours and there was more drama and stress. Jesse and I had talked about having another baby but he wanted to wait until Evelyn was at least two. One day at the end of August we decided not to wait that long and started not trying not to have another. Three weeks later they had a big audit at the plant to see if it was ready to start up and the result was that it wouldn’t be ready for at least another year. Jesse was worried about whether or not he was going to have a job much longer and suggested that maybe we put off trying for another. I went and bought a pregnancy test that night and the result was so faint I thought I was losing my mind. I was freaking out because I really couldn’t tell if it was there or not and I asked Julie Vicki and Trisha what they thought. Julie suggested that I wait a couple days. Jesse looked at it and asked if it was the one I had just taken. “So you’re not pregnant?” he asked. I told him to look closer but he didn’t believe me. I took another the next morning and it was darker but still super faint. Then I decided to be smart and just take a yes or no test. Ready or not we’re pregnant! My due date was May 27th! We told our families at Evelyn’s birthday party two days later. My dad and Melynda came to town for it and it was so nice to see them and be able to show them around!! This pregnancy has been so different from the last. First, I was exhausted all the time – most likely because I was working mostly nights and having to be up all night and then try to function during the day was so hard. Then morning sickness hit right around 6 weeks and I was miserable. I threw up every day. I lost 5 pounds. There were times when I had to call for help putting laundry away or taking care of Evelyn because I couldn’t move or I’d be sick. Being in the Relief Society presidency felt like so much more work but every time I prayed about it, I felt like it was where I was supposed to be even if I also felt like I wasn’t contributing enough. Road trips were particularly difficult. I made it to the temple in October right before the morning sickness started and wasn’t able to go again the rest of the year. October 7th Mom Evelyn and I went up to Spencer for Anna’s baby Abendego’s baby blessing. I was so sick Sunday morning I could barely move off the couch and eventually threw up. Two weeks later we drove to Illinois for Eleanor’s baptism and the drive was just miserable. We had to stop about every hour. If I had to pee, I’d get sick. If I was tired, I’d get sick. If I had gas, I’d get sick.Everything made me nauseous. I threw up 3 times on Sunday. I finally went to the doctor to get something to help and she prescribed Diclegis. It made a huge difference but I was still nauseous and barfing up until about 20 weeks. I was hoping to convince my doctor to let me do my ultrasound a little bit early so we could tell our families at Christmas but I was unsuccessful. I’d heard about a place in Altoona that does ultrasounds without needing a doctor’s note but you have to pay out of pocket. It was $89 plus tax but I didn’t care. It was worth it to me. Jesse took a lot more convincing but eventually gave in. We had a really hard time getting baby to cooperate and Jesse had limited time before he had to be at work. The first picture I saw looked like boy parts but the umbilical cord was between its legs so she didn’t want to say for sure. We tried everything but then baby clenched up its legs and wouldn’t budge. Jesse ended up having to leave for work before we found out for sure. Just as we were about to give up, I got up to pee again and when I came back, baby’s legs were wide open and there was no denying it was a BOY!!!! I was over the moon ecstatic! We were going to do a gender reveal party but the weather was going to be nasty and I couldn’t wait to tell people so we ended up just doing a short video. Then we couldn’t decide on a name! We looked and looked and looked at baby books and discussed so many different names. It took weeks before we finally settle on Ian as a first name (and I still wasn’t super excited about it). Then we had a hard time coming up with a middle name. We had talked about Douglas after Jesse’s grandpa but on of the other cousins were already named after him via middle name. In talking with Grandpa Donald, no one was named after his side of the family and thus we decided on Henry for a middle name. The job at the power plant really started to weigh on me – the long hours and half the time I’d go the whole night without seeing a single person. There was no consistency in the schedule and the next month’s schedule wouldn’t get posted until days before the month ended so I couldn’t plan ahead and they were becoming more and more unpredictable. We got an email in mid-December stating that night shift would be eliminated at the beginning of January and the next week we got an email stating that it was being extended until the end of January/early February. I started looking other places but wasn’t really finding a lot. Just before Christmas, I got a phone call out of the blue from the administrator for the Green Mountain Garwin School District. They were looking for a new school nurse and they had heard from someone that I might be interested. I was so excited. It was my dream job!! They wanted me to interview on the 28th. I told them I worked the night before but we arranged to have the interview in the afternoon so I would have time to sleep. That night at work I was sicker than I had been in a long time. Nothing helped and I could barely move without feeling nauseous. I thought maybe I just had to pee but when I got to the door of the bathroom I decided to sit back down again. Minutes later I was throwing up in the garbage can and because I didn’t go to the bathroom I peed my pants. This happened 2 more times. It was late and Jesse and Evelyn were both sleeping and I had the car seat so there was no way for Jesse to bring me clean clothes. I just had to deal. I went home and went straight to bed and when I got up my face was so splotchy and sickly looking. I looked like crap! Normally when I put on make up, I just stick to eyeliner and mascara but under the circumstances I decided to go all out. I felt like the interview went well and I wanted to quit so badly but until I knew for sure, I didn’t want to jump the gun. I had an interview with the long term care facility in State Center and I had heard good things about it but they wanted someone to work nights and I was trying to get away from night shift, not to mention, I really didn’t want to go back to working in Long Term Care. I applied for a position at the Assisted Living facility in town but they wanted someone who could work 1 pm till 8 pm Monday through Friday plus be on call 24/7 every other week. I applied for a position with MICA and it sounded promising but when they go around to different clinics, they ride together in one big van so if there was a family emergency or if Evelyn was sick or anything I’d be stuck until the clinic was finished. I found out the following Monday that I got the position at GMG and I would be starting the 16th. Not quite a two-week notice but notice was given nonetheless. I was so happy!!!! The hours were super flexible and school got out May 25th – just before my due date! 

There are days when I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing and others where I have enough to do to keep me busy but the people are so nice and the environment is wonderful – so different from anywhere else I’ve ever worked. I do a lot of sitting so my back hurts so badly by the end of the day but it’s totally worth it. Evelyn has had a really hard time adjusting to being in daycare regularly. She’s more demanding and bossy and possessive. She acts out more. She’s regressed in potty training and she’s been sick a lot more. I’m hoping with time she will be better but Jesse is so worried about her. We just don’t know what to do. I just started this job and I really like it. Not only do I love what I’m doing and the hours but also this particular district is so flexible and the people are nice. Hopefully it will sort itself out with time. I’m a little worried about what happens after Ian is born. What if I’m not ready to go back? What if I need more time with my babies? Especially if Ian is our last (which Jesse is pretty settled that he will be) I want to soak up every minute. I guess I will cross that road when I get to it. In the mean time I’m just trying to be happy an optimistic as much as possible. I really want to be the kind of person that other people want to be around. I want to be a good influence. 

My calling in the presidency has become easier in most ways. It’s hard to have Evelyn with me and try to concentrate (especially since she’s so much more demanding lately!) but I’ve felt so much more needed and I’ve been able to give some good insight the last few meetings and really feel like I’m making a good contribution. 

Jesse applied for a position at the Power Plant in Ames but he didn't get it. I just want him to have a job where he can be happy and appreciated. Hopefully we will be able to find something else before Ian is born (preferably not right before or right after this time around). 

We are tentatively planning to do his baby blessing July 30th. It feels a little funny planning a blessing for a baby that hasn’t been born yet but with having family that lives pretty far away, I wanted to plan ahead as much as possible. I’m even hoping that we can fly Grandma Veda out for it! I want her to meet Evelyn so badly! I know she will love her so much and she’s her namesake so that would mean a lot to me too. I think that’s all I have to report for now (I know it’s a lot but it’s been a long time!) Thanks for reading!

Best Day Ever!!!

I originally wrote this post from my phone to my email on December 31, 2013. I didn't want to miss a single detail. You only get to find out you are pregnant for the first time once and I wanted to remember it in its entirety!

I want to take the time to write down the events of this day. It’s a day I want to remember for the rest of my life in every detail. Last night Jesse and I had gone on a date together to Sioux City and on the way home we bought a pregnancy test but I was fully expecting it to come back negative. We had agreed that we would wait to take it until a date that we both had off but the next morning I woke up and was wide awake I was too excited to wait so I took it anyway and it surprised me more than I can say to see that it was positive! !! I was so excited I ran to our bedroom and jumped on the bed and started shaking Jesse squealing his name and saying, “Jesse! Jesse! Guess what! Guess what!” shaking him and squealing with delight. When I took the test I hadn't realized it but I still had one left over that I had bought on Black Friday. It was a Clear Blue one that tells you how far along you are. My plan was to take the cheap one and then if I was pregnant I would take the other one later. I was still in disbelief when it came back positive. I sent Vicki a picture message of the positive pregnancy test and then she called me right away and was crying because she was so happy for us. Then I also sent a picture to my mom but her response wasn't quite as thrilling. She asked me if it was mine. Not sure why she thinks I would send a picture of somebody else's pregnancy test but that's okay. Vicki asked me to come over because she had kids that she was babysitting but Jesse and I ended up not going for a while. He said he took priority. He said some of the sweetest things like “This is the first time that I'm holding my pregnant wife” and “This is the first day of the rest of our lives” and then he started asking me about all the things that we still need to buy it was so unreal to be actually talking about it like it was a real thing that was actually happening. We originally said that we were going to wait to tell people but I was too excited so that didn't last very long. I told Vicki and she got really excited and told Nate. I told my mom and I ended up telling a friend from church too. We went to Hy Vee and got coffee while Jesse got coffee before we went to Vicky's house then when we got home Jesse took Rachel hunting. While he was gone I just kind of sat there on the couch for a minute like “What do I do now?” When Jesse got home he told me some even more exciting news! Jake got tickets to go to the playoffs at Lambeau Field but we would have to rearrange all of our Christmas plan's to be able to go. I called my mom to talk to her about it and then Jesse called his mom to talk to her about it and between the two of us we figured out a way to be able to go. In the middle of all that Vicki called me to tell me that she was on the way to the emergency room. We were supposed to have missionaries over for dinner but I knew it wasn't going to be ready in time and I had no idea how long I would be in the ER with Vicki for so I ended up telling them that we had to cancel. I was in the emergency room with Vicki from about 4:30 until 9 at night. I sent a message to my dad asking him what he was doing if he was working today because I have been trying to call him to tell him that we got the package and to thank him for it. I was going to wait to tell him but then he asked me if I was ok and I just couldn't contain my excitement anymore so I called him to tell him the news I was a little apprehensive because I was afraid that he would be kind of neutral about it and not as excited but he was very excited! I came home and took a shower and got ready to go over to Vicki's house because she was having some friends over. I got to meet her new boyfriend Greg who seems pretty nice and I found out that she had already told Heidi. That part kind of made me mad a little bit because it wasn't her news to tell and I was still trying to decide if and how I wanted to tell Heidi but I knew it wasn't worth getting upset over. The damage was already done. Vicki, Greg, and I went to the hot tub and I could only put my feet in because I was pregnant and at about 1145 I left and went to meet Jesse at his work to be able to kiss him at midnight. We set and talked with his friend Kennan for a while and then I left and went back to Vicki's house but I was feeling so tired. I left and went home but the whole day I was just so excited. Its taking every ounce of self-control I already don't have not to broadcast it to the whole wide world because there's still a chance that I might not be pregnant there's still a chance that I can miscarry and then what do I do after I told all those people. Anyway, it's an exciting day for both of us! 2014 is going to be a great year. I'm going to bring a baby into the world I get to graduate from college. We're going to Canada, and we're going to Lambeau Field to see the playoffs! What more could a couple ask for?!

Even weeks later I am still somewhat in disbelief. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop! I's so weird because I have some things down in the basement in storage and part of me wants to get them out and start taking inventory, but I know it's way too early for that!

So far school has been manageable. I do have moments where I feel too hot or just really full and almost all of the time nothing tastes right. Time feels like its just slowly creeping by!

In other news, I put in my notice at my job. I've really enjoyed working here but my Minnesota nursing license expires at the end of the month and there won't be a position open for me once I graduate so I didn't really see the point in renewing it. I've put in a couple applications elsewhere and even had an interview already (I'm really hoping to get that position!)

Also, thanks to Obamacare, our insurance coverage changed. AGP switched companies. It's now cheaper, but covers much less. The strattera that I take for ADHD that used to be $50 a month (which is btw still outrageous!) is now $100 a month! I'm going to call the manufacturer and see if I can qualify for a discount, but if not there's no way I can justify spending that much money! I've been without it for 2 days so far and I've made a couple rash/stupid decisions but nothing too terrible yet. 

Jesse is also thinking about switching jobs, but we will see what March brings. Both of us graduate in May and after that there's nothing else keeping us in Sheldon besides his job. I don't really want to change doctors but I will if I have to... I'll keep ya posted on that front. 

First exam tomorrow! Wish me luck and thanks for reading!!!!

If you're reading this

I know it’s been a while since I’ve written anything and I’m not gonna catch up just yet because right now I just need to vent. This semester in school has been really hard. This year in general has been hard – full of ups and downs. I fully realize that’s life but that doesn’t mean I have to like it. I went in to this semester cautiously optimistic. I was really worried about making friends because of how hard it was for me last year and after the first day I felt fine. A mere 3 weeks later I was whistling a completely different tune. Maybe I set my standards too high. I know my feelings get hurt easy, but when I big group a girls come sit on your table and talk to everyone at the table except you and proceed to pretend like you’re invisible, call me crazy, but I really feel like it’s rude. Even sometimes the tone of their voice or the way they turn their backs at you when they are talking to someone else – it sends a message. About half way through the semester, when I started back full time, I noticed more and more that the medication wasn’t as effective. I was having a harder time paying attention, I’d space off in the middle of lectures, I was fidgety, constantly biting my nails, and couldn’t stay focused. I met with my physician and we tried something different. It was even worse than before! I couldn’t get organized; I was constantly forgetting everything, especially due dates and even how to get everything together in the morning and what order to do things in to be more efficient.  Being on time has always been a struggle for me, but I was doing really well for a while there. I tried it for a month and it was the worse month ever. I was agitated, I had to use my inhaler a couple times because I felt like I couldn’t breathe, and I was aggressive. My instructor actually asked me not to say anything in class for a while because I was coming across as angry without even realizing it. Whatever acquaintances I may have had from school at the start of the year disintegrated pretty quickly. Some people would say their loss and maybe it is, but it hurts and it drives me crazy. Like what the heck am I doing so wrong? You can only say it’s their problem so many times before you look in the mirror and I feel like I’ve turned myself inside out trying to figure out why it’s so hard for me to make friends. I know that part of how I feel has a lot to do with the fact that I’ve been too tired at night to say a meaningful prayer and really read my scriptures, but I just… I feel sad. I don’t know how else to describe it. I get this overwhelming feeling like I have nowhere to turn, no one who really understands, and no one who gets me. Jesse tries but he can’t be everything for me and it’s starting to wear him down too. I wish I could just be chill and not let it get to me. If they don’t want to be friends, their loss, but it’s not that simple for me… I don’t know how to just not care. I seriously wish I did. It would make things so much easier but I just can’t help it. This last month especially I’ve had more days than not where I just want to throw in the towel. Just go crawl into bed and never come out again. I fully realize that’s a tad dramatic, but it’s how I feel… I’ve been trying to develop a couple friendships in various places, but I find myself feeling like it’s a one-sided relationship. I don’t want to have to chase someone down to get them to talk to me or treat me like a person with feelings or to give me a chance at being a good friend. I don’t feel like that’s too much to ask but maybe it is? When I always have to be the one to initiate the conversation or send out the invite, it makes me wonder if we’re really friends or if they are just trying to be polite. If you’re reading this, don’t be polite. Be honest and frank. That I can deal with. I can take the rejection a lot easier than I can take the emotional roller coaster of being completely unsure where I really stand with someone. I wish my skin was thicker - that the little things didn’t get to me. Something as stupid as seeing a Christmas card or a Save the Date from a friend or an acquaintance or asking a group of people if they want to carpool and they all come up with various legitimate reasons why they can’t but then they all show up together, or when you’re sitting at a table where everyone is talking about something and goodness forbid you try to include yourself they look at you like “Who are you and why are you talking to us?” – they are all little things, but when they start to add up…I dunno how else to say it – it just friggin hurts…and it makes me feel incredibly pathetic and insignificant to publicly admit that I feel these things. I just don’t think enough people stop and think about how they would feel if roles were reversed…If you’re reading this and you don’t have anything nice to say, leave me alone. Take your high horse and ride it far far away from me and don’t look back. 

Night and Day

Ok so last time I wrote I was super depressed and in a really bad place. I am excited to tell you that place no longer exists! I have said goodbye and good riddance. We figured out purely by trial and error that it had nothing to do with my hormones. I had been taking Ambien for some time to help me sleep at night and because of Jesse’s growing concern for “all the pills” I was taking, I decided to try just sleeping without it. Almost overnight I felt better. What added to it, Jesse and I have finally said, (blank) is when we are going to start trying to have babies.” There was a lot of going back and forth, some yelling, lots of crying and sobbing, and we finally decided on Christmas! I only have to wait like less than 4 months!!! We had been talking about getting a hunting dog since before everything went south (rather quickly I might add) last year, but I had always felt like it wasn’t fair for him to get a puppy. If we can’t have a baby, we shouldn’t have a puppy either! Since we actually set like a date that we both felt good about and agreed on, I felt like a puppy wouldn’t be so bad and might be good for both of us. There was an ad in the Okoboji classifieds for springer spaniel puppies for $150. When he first came to me with the idea, before we had agreed on Christmas, we had both agreed we should wait till spring. Because I was so happy about having a date, a goal to reach towards, I thought it would be fun to surprise him and get the puppy. When we had looked again the next week, the price had gone from $150 to $75 because their dew claws weren’t removed and their tails weren’t docked. I called the lady on my way to work Monday, knowing that we would be in Terrill on Thursday to have lunch with Anna and Ryan. On Tuesday night I caught Jesse looking up information on Springer Spaniels at work and on Wednesday he came home from work going on and on about them and how we should at least go look even if we didn’t decide to buy one. He raved on and on until I finally couldn’t take it anymore! He asked me if I was ok because I seemed grumpy and I grabbed him by the shoulders and said, “You ruined my surprise!” I told him my plans and he very abashedly told me that I could have still surprised him. On the drive there on Thursday he gives me this whole big speech about how I shouldn’t get my hopes up because we probably won’t get a puppy. That lasted all of 5 minutes. Once he saw the happy, friendly, well-behaved dad, he was sold. We picked her out and told them we’d come back after to pick her up. Jesse got his hunting dog and I got my baby fix. It has been a night and day difference. I feel so much better inside and out! I had gotten pretty close to my target weight and I’m kind of on my way back up again, but I just feel so much better. What also helped, I had asked my home teacher for a blessing before school started. It didn’t work out for him to give one to me, but it did work out for someone else to. I prayed for a couple weeks about the things I had really been struggling with and the things I most needed comfort about. I was worried about passing my classes and getting my homework done, making friends, and of course being patient for the baby thing. I took my tape recorder with me and I wrote down the words. I read them from time to time. They weren’t exactly word for word what I was hoping for, but I felt so much more at peace.

School has started and the girls I sit next to are really nice. It’s harder for me to pay attention because I learned it once already and it’s a class in the middle of the day, but I love being there. We have 5 big homework assignments this semester and I am almost done with the 3^rd. My plan is to have them all done by the time I am full time in October. I know I can do this.

            I’ve been able to spend time with people from church and we started hanging out with another couple that doesn’t have to get completely plastered to have a good time. I’m hopeful that things will work out. I’ve been working a lot of Sundays lately but the next few months will be much better. I love my job. I love the people I work with and what I do. It’s a drive, but the time goes by pretty fast. My boss is totally awesome! She’s very sweet and understanding and she is very willing to work around everyone’s schedule. It’s all about doing everything we can to make the patients comfortable and relatively happy. I feel even better than when I was in the nursing home because I have the time to devote to the individual patients. I get to cook and bake and make ice cream. We are full right now and it’s a little crazy at times, but I love what I do and the people I take care of. They say it’s always darkest just before the dawn and it’s totally true.

            Jesse and I as a couple are doing really well too. We are still trying to put our lives back together from shut down and it’s been harder lately because we only have like 1 day off a week together, but we are doing the best we can. He’s getting ready to go on a bear trip and I know I’ll miss him, but I know I’ll be ok. I have a pretty good support system right now. I was super excited because we had it all worked out that Trisha and David and the kids were gonna meet me at my mom’s while Jesse was gone, but then someone else had requested it off and now I have to work that weekend. Funny how everything works out the way it’s supposed to! That Friday was picture day at Logan’s school and it was the Primary program on Sunday. I won’t have to be quite as stressed about money and neither will anyone else. Nothing is set in stone yet, but we are working on meeting up in October instead and Jesse will be able to be there too. Plus, I get to go to Wisconsin with him this weekend and spend some time with family and see him off, then go down and see my mom. I’m really looking forward to it! This week is going to go by really fast! I work today, I have school Tuesday and then after I am meeting up with one of the girls from my like second family from church and we are going to the gun range! Should be really fun! Then Wednesday we are getting our cable reconnected so we don’t miss anymore football!! I love this time of year! Football is absolutely my favorite! Love to play, love to watch, love, love, love! We are also taking our Rachel to the vet to get her dew claws removed. Holly has dew claws in the front and they don’t bother her, but out in the field they can get caught and tear out and we don’t want that! Also the missionaries are coming over. I’m making baked chicken with this KFC recipe I found and loaded mashed potatoes with bacon and ranch and cheese. Thursday and Friday I am going to get everything ready for out of town and I’m going to go to the learning center to get help with my papers. I need the most help getting them started and figuring out what they are supposed to look like. Dawn is going to let me look at (not to copy) previous papers from last year so I can see how their papers looked, how they did their headings, and how they answered the questions in APA format. I don’t want to use the same words or anything I just need guidance to see what it’s supposed to look like. I fretted over that so badly last year that I never started them and hence never finished. It was a big part of why I had to flunk out. I will not do that again. I will finish. I know I am capable. I know I can do it. I just need to buck up and follow through. That’s all that’s going on really. Night and day difference from the last time I wrote and it feels so good to just be happy! Thanks for reading!

Sadness

Some days I feel like things are great. I feel hopeful like things are going to be great and like things are great! But then there are days like today…I missed Jesse so much at work today. I was so looking forward to coming home to see him. I came home and he was so cranky. He hadn’t slept much and he was stressed. I don’t blame him, I just felt like maybe I should have stayed at work. Work was really slow. We only have one patient and there just isn’t enough to keep busy. I went to bed early the night before but I didn’t sleep. I was in bed at 9 and ready for bed by 915. I laid there and laid there and couldn’t sleep. At 10 I got up and went to the bathroom. I laid back down and nothing. At 11 I got up and tried to eat something. I thought maybe my stomach was just empty. I know that warm milk helps people sleep sometimes but I don’t like just milk. So I tried warmed water instead. I have a hard time sleeping anyway. I take 5mg of Ambien and 2 Tylenol pm tablets to help me fall asleep and stay asleep. So I took another Ambien. I didn’t fall asleep until 1230 and I woke up with the alarm at 350. It was really a struggle to stay awake and motivated for 12 hours and not pester my one patient and her visitors.

Maybe this is too personal but I’m gonna tell it like it is. If you can’t handle it don’t read it. In May I was 2 weeks late. I’ve never been late, ever. I know it can happen sometimes that women get irregular so I just let it go. I start getting hormonal like 2 weeks before and stay that way during and a week after. That means I have one good week out of 4 where I’m not so overcome with emotion I can’t handle it. Last week I was sitting in church and something was said and I started tearing up. Before I knew it I was in the bathroom bawling. I want a baby. What else is new, right? I know, but it’s gotten really bad lately. I wake up some days and I just need to hold a baby. I have an appointment with my physician on the 9^th to make sure that I’m ok. I feel like I need to detox. I’m only 25 and I’m almost entirely dependent on medication to function like the rest of the world. I’m too young for that I feel like. Taking Strattera has changed my life for the better. It’s made me so much more successful as a human. When I don’t take Prilosec even for a day I feel like my insides are incinerating. The medication I take at night lifts the burden of whether or not I’ll be able to sleep. I don’t have to worry about where we go or what we’re sleeping on. I can just take my medication and know that I can sleep regardless. Jesse hates it. He worries about how many pills I take, and even I know it’s not good for me. I know he has my best interest at heart, but he can lie down at night and close his eyes and fall asleep, hard. I can’t. I nap great. I sleep best when I’m not supposed to, like during school or in the car. But at night…I start thinking about all the things I put out of my mind, everything goes miles a minute on they all pile on top of each other. Or I think of the things that terrify me. Like spiders crawling all over me or putting my car in the ditch. Poor Jesse…for the most part he takes it in stride, but even I can’t keep up with my emotions so how can I expect him to! He listens calmly to all my fears, my flashbacks, my petty every-day complaints, my heart aches, and he holds me while I cry. Sometimes he gets frustrated first and looks at me like a species from another planet, but he always comes around.

I am terrified about this school year. I can’t handle another failed attempt. I am having a hard enough time holding my head up as is with all the mistakes I’ve made and everything I failed miserably at. I’m scared that I’ll make the same mistakes, fall behind because of papers, not study enough, and overwhelm myself with trying to balance school and work and breathing. I’m scared I won’t make friends again. I don’t want to be the weird kid again this year. It really tore me down listening to groups of kids talking about their fun plans to hang out together and waiting for an invitation that never came. I’m trying not to care so much about what other people think and to just be myself, but it matters to me. I don’t want to care, but I do. I don’t know how not to.

I’m angry. I’ve held a lot of resentment for things of the past. I tried to tell myself that I was over it and that it didn’t bother me but it does. I want to yell. I want to yell and scream and hit something or someone, but I’ve somewhat resigned myself to the fact that it wouldn’t do any good and it wouldn’t change anything. What happened can’t be undone, and I need to learn how to let go. I’m so dang sensitive that the tiniest things break my spirit. Something as small as seeing someone I used to be friends with that won’t speak to me… I block them because it hurts me too much to see their name.

I feel like there’s this line between me and adulthood and I just keep tripping over it and falling on my face. I look at myself and others my age and younger and I feel like I’ll never be as mature as they are. I feel like I’m too weird. Like there’s a healthy amount of weird that everyone has, but I feel like I set the record for weirdness. Maybe that’s normal. I wish I understood social things better. I can’t just leave well enough alone, I push even when I know I shouldn’t. Like there’s a line between what’s acceptable and what isn’t and I have no idea where it is. I’m like a little kid tapping the electric fence waiting for it to zap me. I had finally gotten to a point where I didn’t care if I was around other people or not and I don’t know how or when I got away from it, but now I don’t know how to get back. Sometimes I just feel this pull to be around other people. It makes me feel needy and pathetic. Some people can just hang out at home by themselves. I am my own worst enemy, especially when I’m by myself. Jesse says I’m the only person he’s ever known that could be surrounded by people and still feel alone.

I suppose that’s enough depressing thoughts for one blog post. Thanks for readin!