If you're reading this

I know it’s been a while since I’ve written anything and I’m not gonna catch up just yet because right now I just need to vent. This semester in school has been really hard. This year in general has been hard – full of ups and downs. I fully realize that’s life but that doesn’t mean I have to like it. I went in to this semester cautiously optimistic. I was really worried about making friends because of how hard it was for me last year and after the first day I felt fine. A mere 3 weeks later I was whistling a completely different tune. Maybe I set my standards too high. I know my feelings get hurt easy, but when I big group a girls come sit on your table and talk to everyone at the table except you and proceed to pretend like you’re invisible, call me crazy, but I really feel like it’s rude. Even sometimes the tone of their voice or the way they turn their backs at you when they are talking to someone else – it sends a message. About half way through the semester, when I started back full time, I noticed more and more that the medication wasn’t as effective. I was having a harder time paying attention, I’d space off in the middle of lectures, I was fidgety, constantly biting my nails, and couldn’t stay focused. I met with my physician and we tried something different. It was even worse than before! I couldn’t get organized; I was constantly forgetting everything, especially due dates and even how to get everything together in the morning and what order to do things in to be more efficient.  Being on time has always been a struggle for me, but I was doing really well for a while there. I tried it for a month and it was the worse month ever. I was agitated, I had to use my inhaler a couple times because I felt like I couldn’t breathe, and I was aggressive. My instructor actually asked me not to say anything in class for a while because I was coming across as angry without even realizing it. Whatever acquaintances I may have had from school at the start of the year disintegrated pretty quickly. Some people would say their loss and maybe it is, but it hurts and it drives me crazy. Like what the heck am I doing so wrong? You can only say it’s their problem so many times before you look in the mirror and I feel like I’ve turned myself inside out trying to figure out why it’s so hard for me to make friends. I know that part of how I feel has a lot to do with the fact that I’ve been too tired at night to say a meaningful prayer and really read my scriptures, but I just… I feel sad. I don’t know how else to describe it. I get this overwhelming feeling like I have nowhere to turn, no one who really understands, and no one who gets me. Jesse tries but he can’t be everything for me and it’s starting to wear him down too. I wish I could just be chill and not let it get to me. If they don’t want to be friends, their loss, but it’s not that simple for me… I don’t know how to just not care. I seriously wish I did. It would make things so much easier but I just can’t help it. This last month especially I’ve had more days than not where I just want to throw in the towel. Just go crawl into bed and never come out again. I fully realize that’s a tad dramatic, but it’s how I feel… I’ve been trying to develop a couple friendships in various places, but I find myself feeling like it’s a one-sided relationship. I don’t want to have to chase someone down to get them to talk to me or treat me like a person with feelings or to give me a chance at being a good friend. I don’t feel like that’s too much to ask but maybe it is? When I always have to be the one to initiate the conversation or send out the invite, it makes me wonder if we’re really friends or if they are just trying to be polite. If you’re reading this, don’t be polite. Be honest and frank. That I can deal with. I can take the rejection a lot easier than I can take the emotional roller coaster of being completely unsure where I really stand with someone. I wish my skin was thicker - that the little things didn’t get to me. Something as stupid as seeing a Christmas card or a Save the Date from a friend or an acquaintance or asking a group of people if they want to carpool and they all come up with various legitimate reasons why they can’t but then they all show up together, or when you’re sitting at a table where everyone is talking about something and goodness forbid you try to include yourself they look at you like “Who are you and why are you talking to us?” – they are all little things, but when they start to add up…I dunno how else to say it – it just friggin hurts…and it makes me feel incredibly pathetic and insignificant to publicly admit that I feel these things. I just don’t think enough people stop and think about how they would feel if roles were reversed…If you’re reading this and you don’t have anything nice to say, leave me alone. Take your high horse and ride it far far away from me and don’t look back.