Sadness

Some days I feel like things are great. I feel hopeful like things are going to be great and like things are great! But then there are days like today…I missed Jesse so much at work today. I was so looking forward to coming home to see him. I came home and he was so cranky. He hadn’t slept much and he was stressed. I don’t blame him, I just felt like maybe I should have stayed at work. Work was really slow. We only have one patient and there just isn’t enough to keep busy. I went to bed early the night before but I didn’t sleep. I was in bed at 9 and ready for bed by 915. I laid there and laid there and couldn’t sleep. At 10 I got up and went to the bathroom. I laid back down and nothing. At 11 I got up and tried to eat something. I thought maybe my stomach was just empty. I know that warm milk helps people sleep sometimes but I don’t like just milk. So I tried warmed water instead. I have a hard time sleeping anyway. I take 5mg of Ambien and 2 Tylenol pm tablets to help me fall asleep and stay asleep. So I took another Ambien. I didn’t fall asleep until 1230 and I woke up with the alarm at 350. It was really a struggle to stay awake and motivated for 12 hours and not pester my one patient and her visitors.

Maybe this is too personal but I’m gonna tell it like it is. If you can’t handle it don’t read it. In May I was 2 weeks late. I’ve never been late, ever. I know it can happen sometimes that women get irregular so I just let it go. I start getting hormonal like 2 weeks before and stay that way during and a week after. That means I have one good week out of 4 where I’m not so overcome with emotion I can’t handle it. Last week I was sitting in church and something was said and I started tearing up. Before I knew it I was in the bathroom bawling. I want a baby. What else is new, right? I know, but it’s gotten really bad lately. I wake up some days and I just need to hold a baby. I have an appointment with my physician on the 9^th to make sure that I’m ok. I feel like I need to detox. I’m only 25 and I’m almost entirely dependent on medication to function like the rest of the world. I’m too young for that I feel like. Taking Strattera has changed my life for the better. It’s made me so much more successful as a human. When I don’t take Prilosec even for a day I feel like my insides are incinerating. The medication I take at night lifts the burden of whether or not I’ll be able to sleep. I don’t have to worry about where we go or what we’re sleeping on. I can just take my medication and know that I can sleep regardless. Jesse hates it. He worries about how many pills I take, and even I know it’s not good for me. I know he has my best interest at heart, but he can lie down at night and close his eyes and fall asleep, hard. I can’t. I nap great. I sleep best when I’m not supposed to, like during school or in the car. But at night…I start thinking about all the things I put out of my mind, everything goes miles a minute on they all pile on top of each other. Or I think of the things that terrify me. Like spiders crawling all over me or putting my car in the ditch. Poor Jesse…for the most part he takes it in stride, but even I can’t keep up with my emotions so how can I expect him to! He listens calmly to all my fears, my flashbacks, my petty every-day complaints, my heart aches, and he holds me while I cry. Sometimes he gets frustrated first and looks at me like a species from another planet, but he always comes around.

I am terrified about this school year. I can’t handle another failed attempt. I am having a hard enough time holding my head up as is with all the mistakes I’ve made and everything I failed miserably at. I’m scared that I’ll make the same mistakes, fall behind because of papers, not study enough, and overwhelm myself with trying to balance school and work and breathing. I’m scared I won’t make friends again. I don’t want to be the weird kid again this year. It really tore me down listening to groups of kids talking about their fun plans to hang out together and waiting for an invitation that never came. I’m trying not to care so much about what other people think and to just be myself, but it matters to me. I don’t want to care, but I do. I don’t know how not to.

I’m angry. I’ve held a lot of resentment for things of the past. I tried to tell myself that I was over it and that it didn’t bother me but it does. I want to yell. I want to yell and scream and hit something or someone, but I’ve somewhat resigned myself to the fact that it wouldn’t do any good and it wouldn’t change anything. What happened can’t be undone, and I need to learn how to let go. I’m so dang sensitive that the tiniest things break my spirit. Something as small as seeing someone I used to be friends with that won’t speak to me… I block them because it hurts me too much to see their name.

I feel like there’s this line between me and adulthood and I just keep tripping over it and falling on my face. I look at myself and others my age and younger and I feel like I’ll never be as mature as they are. I feel like I’m too weird. Like there’s a healthy amount of weird that everyone has, but I feel like I set the record for weirdness. Maybe that’s normal. I wish I understood social things better. I can’t just leave well enough alone, I push even when I know I shouldn’t. Like there’s a line between what’s acceptable and what isn’t and I have no idea where it is. I’m like a little kid tapping the electric fence waiting for it to zap me. I had finally gotten to a point where I didn’t care if I was around other people or not and I don’t know how or when I got away from it, but now I don’t know how to get back. Sometimes I just feel this pull to be around other people. It makes me feel needy and pathetic. Some people can just hang out at home by themselves. I am my own worst enemy, especially when I’m by myself. Jesse says I’m the only person he’s ever known that could be surrounded by people and still feel alone.

I suppose that’s enough depressing thoughts for one blog post. Thanks for readin!