Sadness

Some days I feel like things are great. I feel hopeful like things are going to be great and like things are great! But then there are days like today…I missed Jesse so much at work today. I was so looking forward to coming home to see him. I came home and he was so cranky. He hadn’t slept much and he was stressed. I don’t blame him, I just felt like maybe I should have stayed at work. Work was really slow. We only have one patient and there just isn’t enough to keep busy. I went to bed early the night before but I didn’t sleep. I was in bed at 9 and ready for bed by 915. I laid there and laid there and couldn’t sleep. At 10 I got up and went to the bathroom. I laid back down and nothing. At 11 I got up and tried to eat something. I thought maybe my stomach was just empty. I know that warm milk helps people sleep sometimes but I don’t like just milk. So I tried warmed water instead. I have a hard time sleeping anyway. I take 5mg of Ambien and 2 Tylenol pm tablets to help me fall asleep and stay asleep. So I took another Ambien. I didn’t fall asleep until 1230 and I woke up with the alarm at 350. It was really a struggle to stay awake and motivated for 12 hours and not pester my one patient and her visitors.

Maybe this is too personal but I’m gonna tell it like it is. If you can’t handle it don’t read it. In May I was 2 weeks late. I’ve never been late, ever. I know it can happen sometimes that women get irregular so I just let it go. I start getting hormonal like 2 weeks before and stay that way during and a week after. That means I have one good week out of 4 where I’m not so overcome with emotion I can’t handle it. Last week I was sitting in church and something was said and I started tearing up. Before I knew it I was in the bathroom bawling. I want a baby. What else is new, right? I know, but it’s gotten really bad lately. I wake up some days and I just need to hold a baby. I have an appointment with my physician on the 9^th to make sure that I’m ok. I feel like I need to detox. I’m only 25 and I’m almost entirely dependent on medication to function like the rest of the world. I’m too young for that I feel like. Taking Strattera has changed my life for the better. It’s made me so much more successful as a human. When I don’t take Prilosec even for a day I feel like my insides are incinerating. The medication I take at night lifts the burden of whether or not I’ll be able to sleep. I don’t have to worry about where we go or what we’re sleeping on. I can just take my medication and know that I can sleep regardless. Jesse hates it. He worries about how many pills I take, and even I know it’s not good for me. I know he has my best interest at heart, but he can lie down at night and close his eyes and fall asleep, hard. I can’t. I nap great. I sleep best when I’m not supposed to, like during school or in the car. But at night…I start thinking about all the things I put out of my mind, everything goes miles a minute on they all pile on top of each other. Or I think of the things that terrify me. Like spiders crawling all over me or putting my car in the ditch. Poor Jesse…for the most part he takes it in stride, but even I can’t keep up with my emotions so how can I expect him to! He listens calmly to all my fears, my flashbacks, my petty every-day complaints, my heart aches, and he holds me while I cry. Sometimes he gets frustrated first and looks at me like a species from another planet, but he always comes around.

I am terrified about this school year. I can’t handle another failed attempt. I am having a hard enough time holding my head up as is with all the mistakes I’ve made and everything I failed miserably at. I’m scared that I’ll make the same mistakes, fall behind because of papers, not study enough, and overwhelm myself with trying to balance school and work and breathing. I’m scared I won’t make friends again. I don’t want to be the weird kid again this year. It really tore me down listening to groups of kids talking about their fun plans to hang out together and waiting for an invitation that never came. I’m trying not to care so much about what other people think and to just be myself, but it matters to me. I don’t want to care, but I do. I don’t know how not to.

I’m angry. I’ve held a lot of resentment for things of the past. I tried to tell myself that I was over it and that it didn’t bother me but it does. I want to yell. I want to yell and scream and hit something or someone, but I’ve somewhat resigned myself to the fact that it wouldn’t do any good and it wouldn’t change anything. What happened can’t be undone, and I need to learn how to let go. I’m so dang sensitive that the tiniest things break my spirit. Something as small as seeing someone I used to be friends with that won’t speak to me… I block them because it hurts me too much to see their name.

I feel like there’s this line between me and adulthood and I just keep tripping over it and falling on my face. I look at myself and others my age and younger and I feel like I’ll never be as mature as they are. I feel like I’m too weird. Like there’s a healthy amount of weird that everyone has, but I feel like I set the record for weirdness. Maybe that’s normal. I wish I understood social things better. I can’t just leave well enough alone, I push even when I know I shouldn’t. Like there’s a line between what’s acceptable and what isn’t and I have no idea where it is. I’m like a little kid tapping the electric fence waiting for it to zap me. I had finally gotten to a point where I didn’t care if I was around other people or not and I don’t know how or when I got away from it, but now I don’t know how to get back. Sometimes I just feel this pull to be around other people. It makes me feel needy and pathetic. Some people can just hang out at home by themselves. I am my own worst enemy, especially when I’m by myself. Jesse says I’m the only person he’s ever known that could be surrounded by people and still feel alone.

I suppose that’s enough depressing thoughts for one blog post. Thanks for readin!

Crap

I woke up Sunday morning and was feeling ok, not completely well rested but ok. I took my Prilosec, took the dogs out, and went and picked Jesse up from work. The last couple days had taken a toll on both of us. With family around and too much going on we were both stressed. We had been bickering more than usual and started right where we left the night before. He went downstairs to sleep and I started getting ready for church. I was trying really hard to just calm down and not over-react. I started thinking that maybe we should just not talk about this particular topic, but I need to be able to talk to him. That has caused problems in our relationship in the past (which made me feel sad.) The more I tried not to react the more my thoughts just spiraled out of control. I started thinking about how we hadn’t been saying our prayers together lately and how long it had been since he’d let me read to him. It made me feel like it wasn’t something that he really wanted to do, but something he was doing to placate me (which made me feel sadder.) If that was the case, it would be something we would fight over later in life once kids were involved. Before I knew it, everything seemed hopeless, like I was stupid to ever believe I could have what I wanted in life. I went downstairs to try to get Jesse to come sleep upstairs. I had fought back and forth with myself over doing this because I wanted him to want to be close to me without me having to ask. He was already asleep and not easily awoken. I tried to get him to come upstairs but he wasn’t awake enough to comprehend what I was asking him. I went back upstairs and finished getting ready, but then I realized that I did not want to see anyone. I didn’t want anyone to ask me how I was or where Jesse was. I fought back and forth with myself over whether or not to go to church. I knew that my mother would tell me that times like this are when we need to be spiritually rejuvenated the most and that I needed to go even if it was just for sacrament meeting. However, when it really came down to it, I just did not want to talk to or see anyone. I was so proud of myself because I was ready early and had been kind of looking forward to having more time to socialize before the meeting started and now it was a wash. I had already taken my ADHD medication too so that was a waste as well. I changed into my pajamas and went downstairs to Jesse. I thought about trying to get him to come upstairs again but I ended up just lying next to him for a while. He woke up and I asked him to come upstairs with me. He said, “Aren’t you going to church?” and I told him how I was feeling. He came upstairs and snuggled with me and we slept until about 2-230. When I woke up I was feeling much better. I guess sometimes you just need time and a good night’s rest to have a better perspective on things.  

June 30th

Today was kind of a roller coaster of emotions. I can tell I’m overly hormonal because everything makes me cry. Jesse and I got up and got ready for church and I was on time, but he was really dragging his feet. It made me feel disappointed because I really wanted to get there a little earlier so I could socialize before the meeting started. We got there and I got to sit next to Anna (which always makes me feel good) and I had found a bunch more toys for Lilly to play with. She loved them and I think Anna appreciates it too. Sister Kilgore talked about Family Home Evening. I felt so silly I did not even know she had not been a member her whole life! I really enjoyed her talk! President Peterson’s son (I can’t think of his first name to save my life!) talked about his experiences on the Pioneer Trek. He did a lot of stuttering and was kind of vague but I think most boys his age are like that when they talk in front of big groups of people. It reminded me of my experience on our pioneer trek. It was such an amazing experience for me! After his talk we sang Battle Hymn of the Republic. It made me feel proud to be a member of the gospel and reminded me of singing it in the Tabernacle building with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. Plus singing with Anna always makes me feel better about myself (and in awe of her amazing talent!) Sister Sherby gave an awesome talk about the Holy Ghost and Jesse was totally paying attention. He said he could tell she was a teacher. For some reason I kept spacing off. I was thinking about our meeting later with President Peterson and how guilty I felt. I know that everything happens for a reason but I am feeling particularly overwhelmed with feelings of fear and doubt. I’m scared that I’m going to hate my job in Worthington, I’m scared about how far into debt we are, I’m disappointed how many Sundays I am working this month because I feel like its setting me up to fail again (which only makes me feel even more down-hearted that I fell in the first place.) I’m scared about writing papers because I feel like those were big parts of my downfall last year and I’m scared that I will be a slacker student again. I’m terrified that I won’t make it through the program again this year. I’m scared that I won’t make friends. That was really hard for me last year too. I remember how hard it was for me listening to all the fun things they were going to do together and how disappointed I was that I never got invited. I just felt engulfed but all these little pressing doubts. I really tried to pay attention to Sister Sherby. I have a lot of respect for her, but I was also distracted by all the babies! One of the new soccer girls was holding Violet Nelson and I felt kind of jealous. I’d really like to develop more of a relationship with them and their kids; I’d like for us to be closer! The closing song was America the Beautiful. The words “Oh beautiful for heroes proved in liberating strife. Who more than self their country loved and mercy more than life” made me feel the spirit. I felt proud of all those that are out their serving our country and defending our freedoms.

            In Sunday school we talked about faith – specifically how to develop it and how to nurture it. Brother Holloway is so knowledgeable about the scriptures and I could tell Jesse was paying attention. I was a little distracted by the babies and I sensed Jesse withdraw a bit when Brother Holloway started talking about forgiveness and repentance. I know he’s angry and he has every right to be but I don’t know how to help him understand why it’s so important for him not to hold on to those feelings. He left to do errands the third hour and President Peterson talked about bearing our testimonies and what we should be saying when we do. He talked about the difference between witnessing what you know to be true and sharing the fun details about yourself.  Sister Holloway offered that how the fun details don’t help us feel the spirit and can set us up to offend others around us. She remembered what I had told her about someone who had deeply offended Jesse last month and some of the offensive things that person said and was referring directly to it. She has one of the biggest hearts! I know she deeply loves each and every one of us in the branch. I was really trying to pay more attention and to participate but the lady sitting next to me had a little baby and I was really trying to fight the urge to ask her if I could hold him. She was new and she didn’t know me from Adam, but he was just so cute with his little purple plaid shirt and tiny little corduroy pants. I’m a hopeless case, however, and when I did finally ask her, she let me hold him. It was wonderful. I was truly on cloud 9 for at least 25 minutes+ and I soaked up every minute. I had kind of wished Jesse hadn’t left but at the same time, but I think he would have seriously frowned upon me asking a near stranger if I could hold her baby! Goodness he was sweet though! I introduced myself after class was over. Julie and her husband have 5 children. Ephraim was 16 days old and they had 3 other boys and one girl. She told me they are originally from St George and he will be a doctor at the Spencer hospital. Standing there waiting for Jesse, I also got to talk to Lisa for a little bit. It was only President Peterson’s 2^nd week as the new president and he had a few other people to talk to besides us so it was a bit of a wait before we talked to him. It was a good meeting though. I felt like he was talking to us like he sincerely cared. I’m not saying that President Olsen didn’t, but I don’t think we communicated as well. President Peterson asked us to kind of start from the beginning and tell him more about what he could do for us. He took notes on all the things we told him. I told him we need a new home teacher. The person that we have right now is nice, but he’s very quiet, almost awkward, and he isn’t very committed about coming to see us (hey, not saying I’m perfect either.) I told him that there aren’t very many group activities and it seems like they are always scheduled when Jesse has to work! Jesse needs to be able to get to know the other men we got to church with in an informal setting where he can feel more comfortable. I also told him that we totally understand that the people with families don’t necessarily feel thrilled about the idea of packing up the kids and driving an hour plus all the way to Sheldon to be there for an hour and turn around and drive home. We don’t have kids, but we totally get that’s not an ideal situation, but how do you invite yourself over to other people’s homes without being totally rude or intrusive? When you’re a kid and you want to go play with your friend you just show up and knock on their door, but that’s not necessarily how it goes when you become an adult. He laughed out-right at me for saying that. We also talked about how Jesse doesn’t want to forgive. He encouraged Jesse to pray about it. I tried to explain that Jesse doesn’t want to try, but his counsel was the same. We ended our meeting with a prayer and I felt good about the things we had discussed. The ride home was depressing. It’s a topic neither of us enjoys discussing but can’t really avoid either. We came home and snuggled and vented. I told him about all my fears. I cried a lot. I’ve been doing a lot of that lately. I can’t seem to turn them off. He just held me and listened while I whined and cried. He told me something that completely caught me off guard. He’s been a lot more supportive of me wanting to be a mom as of late, but I still was still shocked! He told me that he wants to get me pregnant now, and that he would if it weren’t for the risk that I wouldn’t finish school. My mom had morning sickness most of her pregnancies, and while we both understand that every mom and every pregnancy is different, this makes both of us extremely nervous. He said he wants me to be happy and there’s really no point in waiting any longer. We had originally intended to take a nap but we talked for an hour instead. We got up and Jesse started on his wild hair. He decided he was sick of looking at the crappy shower and sick of the crappy shower knob. It’s a piece of junk. He said I’ll just take off this one piece of paneling and replace the shower head, knob, and faucet. He had no idea what he was getting into! The one piece of panel was lipped under the drywall. The drywall was lipped under the linoleum decoration/wallpaper. In order for him to take out that one piece, he had to take out the drywall and cut a piece of the linoleum. While he was working on that I busied myself de-cluttering the bathroom cabinet and the drawers in the kitchen. We both kept busy and got to bed late. Jesse finished most everything except the caulk and we went to bed at about 1230-ish. I was both emotionally and physically exhausted.